Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent
to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has
to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time
of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank
out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and
a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down
the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And
though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending messages. And that's a
promise I will keep. Always.

Best Wishes,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX